Season's Sneezings

Friends, acquaintances, and deeply devoted fans, I must make apologies all around. I had to drop outta the scene for a while, not only cause of all the estrogen flying around when I was last near the Viva Swag girls, but because a nasty bug attacked my lungs. Doc said I had to go somewhere warm to kick the pneumonia, so I emptied out my Ed Hardy Travel Wallet and bought a one-way ticket to the Canary Islands. Problem is, I forgot my laptop. Figures. Well, I shook the sickness and had a marvelous vacation to boot. Seems things have calmed down a bit too, and just in time for Christmas. Can’t wait to show my Angel what I picked up for her, but not until that special day. No peeking Cleo!

Mee-ow!

Duuuuuude! Did you see the new rolling suitcase for sale on my page? If I didn't already have more suitcases than I could count I'd buy it myself. Just looking at it makes me dizzy, it's like an optical illusion--but it's a flippin' suitcase!

You know what? Forget it. I'm selling off a couple of my old luggage cases and buying this one. It's the bomb. Although not really a bomb...

Anyway, I need to get out of here. There's waaaay to much estrogen flying. Cleo and Meadow are at it, and so are Farrah and Saige. Saige, man! Of all the people, I'd think she'd be able to keep it together, but looks like the hemp-woven gloves are comin' off. The only sane female right now is Fredrica, but she's falling hard and fast. I gotta take off and see some sights, and this last minute flight to New York is just the ticket. Maybe by the time I get back, the catfights will have spent themselves.

Moused Out

I can barely write. I just got back from the Disneyland Cruise and I am M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E'd out. When they found out my birthday was Wednesday, they made a huge fuss over me. Mickey, Goofy, Minnie, and Donald all gathered around and brought over this awesome looking cake. Ari must have phoned in my age, cause it had just the right number of candles on it. All the princesses gathered around for smooches, but I slipped off. The cruise was fun, but I was missing my Angel on my birthday.

The cruise line was worried I'd sue for harassment or something, cause they gave me this really awesome crossbody bag, along with their "sincerest hope that I found everything agreeable and appropriate." Pfff. They didn't have to worry. I just have eyes for one princess, and she ain't employed by the big D.

Anyway, I'm off to my pad, it's been a looooooong week full of fun and games AND sneak peeks of the upcoming Toy Story 3. Booyeah, who's the man? I'm the man. And no, I'm not telling anything. You'll just have to wait a whole year.

Oh the Humiliation...

Ari owes me BIGTIME for this.

So Takahatchi answered the call for help and swept into the mansion with a huge bag full of stuff. The staff was reluctant to leave me alone, but I managed to convince them Takahatchi was there to tell me some top secret stuff he’d learned about hair bleaching. We managed to get a drawing room to ourselves and my good friend got to work on what was arguably the most embarassing costume I’ve ever worn.

First came the over-the-knee striped socks to cover up my legs. I’ve got great calves, but the fact that I don’t shave would have given me away in a second. Then came the Bermuda Shorts and Chiffon top. A pair of Armani Exchange oversize glasses to cover my eyes, and a set of bangles on each wrist. Finally, after a full-on makeover, Takahatchi pulled out a long blond wig and fitted it over my spikes. It’s going to take me days to spike my hair just right again, man. I was ready to try to make a break for it, but Takahatchi insisted I put on the shoes he’d brought. ‘Scuse me, did I say shoes? Deathtraps with buckles is more like it. How do women walk in these things? Forget walking, how do they stand in them?

The plan was for Takahatchi to leave the room and start causing a fuss so the paranoid staff would stop watching the door. Once he was sure they were all watching him, he stomped twice. That was my cue, and I slipped out as fast as I could. I managed to get a few doors down before they caught me.

It worked. I swayed and giggled, then burst into sobs. I think I did a pretty good imitation of a drunken Meadow. They thought I was some Ari-crazed fan come to snoop around the mansion, and promptly escorted me to the front door. I tripped on the stairs and rolled down a few before coming to an ungainly stop halfway down. At that point, I figured I was safe enough to slip off the shoes and carry them the rest of the way, but I’d managed to wrench my ankle. How did I find this out? I just tried to take one more step. I think the other side of the island heard my scream. Fortunately, by then Takahatchi had managed to make himself enough of a nuisance to also be escorted outside, and he helped me limp to his limosine.

We’re pulling up to the jail now. Wish me luck in explaining all this to the police.

Mission Impossible

Okay, I gathered a bit of the situation from the dudes running Ari's kitchen. Apparantly I was kidnapped by Aristotle Metropolis. Ari, people, Ari! He stares at a hunk of cheese for hours on end and then orders zebras and peacocks! Yeah, that sounds like a kidnapper. Problem is, I've had some trouble sneaking out of his mansion. First off, it's the size of the White House--with about the same number of bathrooms and bedrooms--and second, it's crawling with people who are frantic that I stay right where I am so they don't lose me again.

Tell me, how am I supposed to go tell the police to cut Ari some slack if I'm cooped up here? But every time I try to leave the kitchen where they have me, I'm "escorted" back and told to wait where I am. Wait my foot, I'm busting outta here and getting Ari loose.

Right after lunch, anyway. I'm starved, and those burgers the chef's cookin' up look incredible.

After that, though, I'm outta here. I'll figure some way out. Hey, anybody out there, you willing to help me break away from these crazy servants?

Ari Arrested?

Dude, what's going on? I was watching the most awesome meteor shower when I heard faint screaming. I looked down thinking maybe Cleo had come to see where I was and was getting attacked by the lions, but it was Ari. I could see police dragging him off. What's going on? I haven't known Ari to do even slightly illegal things.

I couldn't find anything sharp in the room, so I used a bottlecap to chip off a really long, really sharp splinter, and attempted to pick the lock. Pretty sad, huh? But it worked. I guess the lock was so old... anyway, I picked up my laptop and grabbed the quilt too. I was on my way out when one of the staff members with the headphones grabbed me and started yammering that they'd found me. Was that what the whole headphone thing was about? Ari had 'em looking for me? Poor guy. I guess I did kind of vanish.

Maybe they can tell me what Ari did to get himself arrested. I hope it has nothing to do with those crazy lions.

Holed Up

Hmm, not exactly sure where I am, but I can see the whole Island from here. It's the coolest thing, I wish I could bring Cleo. Hehe, I can see parts of the rest of the mansion from here too, and there are people with headsets running back and forth. Wonder what they're doing? I dunno. All I know is I won't bug Ari for a while, I'm outta his way.

It really is a great view from here. I'll have to ask Ari--when he's in a better mood--if this is the highest point in his mansion or something.

If I can get back, that is. Heh, little trouble with the door right now, it kind of locked behind me. But hey, I've crossed countries on a shoestring budget before, I can handle being in a room for a few days, until they find me. There's some dry crackers and a couple of water bottles in the corner, and this really nice quilt. The sunsest is so gorgeous, it's hard to believe it's real.
I'm gonna tuck in now and power down the ol' laptop to save the batteries. No outlets up here, don'tcha know. Night.

Hostage Situation

Gotta hand it to Ari, he knows how to pick a place. I mean, aside from the lions keeping us hostage, this place is the bomb. Did I mention we were being held hostage? Seems the lions ate their fill and now they're hungry again. Aris is trying to find a trapper via the internet as fast as he can, but says it'll probably take a day or two. I'm cool with it. The lions will discourage any more paparazzi as far as I'm concerned. Ari is just worried that his "chef friend" will come over before the lions are trapped. Dude, he still thinks it's a secret, isn't that funny? Like we all don't know at this point. I even found one of his journals lying open, and it was all about how pretty she is, and how wonderful she is, and what amazing cooking skills she has. Enough to make me gag.

Unfortunately, I heard Ari coming, and I had to hide real quick, so I ducked behind a set of those massively heavy drapes he has everywhere and kept still. Ari came in, and he must have seen something off, cause I heard the journal close hard and then footsteps wandering around. He must have started looking to see if anyone was there. He passed by me, and I thought I was in the clear, but my watch picked THAT time of ALL times to yap and remind me that it was 3:00 pm. Did I mention I have a talking watch? I have a talking watch. I think I'll drown it now.

Ari was pissed that I flipped through his journal and confiscated my iKaraoke. Now I think that's a little unfair, but hey, I can still explore the mansion, right? He hasn't confined me to a room or anything... yet.

On the Down Low, Gotta Lay Low

Alrighty, so we're back from the sands, shaking it all out of our shoes. While I have to take mine off, Cleo just has to point her toes down. Such is the beauty of her new open toe buckle shoes, or so she keeps saying. Personally, I don't get what's so special about them, but when I mentioned that, I got a punch in the shoulder, so I hold my peace.

My agent says the ratings on my show took a hit, and that I need to audition for parts in other shows. I was all set on trying out for this new show I heard about, but I couldn't show my face without reporters and paparazzi ganging up on me, asking about the tape that got leaked. You'd think after a week they'd drop it and move on to more important things, but noooo.

I'm thinking about taking my next vacay on Ari's island Ted. Seems like a good place to lay low till the whole Little Bunny Foo Foo bit blows over. To hear them talk, you'd think none of them had ever been kids, sheesh.

Queen of Egypt

The pyramids were cooler than anything any travel guide ever wrote about 'em. Peeps, if you ever get the money, go see the pyramids. Don't read about 'em, don't look at pictures, don't wish you could go, just go. There's nothing like being overshadowed by two hundred tons of bricks shaped into near mathematical perfection. Tight!

Picked up another decoration for the only goddess that matters in this desert; Cleopatra. We visited about three museums today, and all of 'em sang her praises. Well, not to her, to the original Cleopatra, but hey, Cleo was still thrilled to learn more about her namesake, last legit Pharaoh of Egypt. Found a few strings of beads to hang on that gorgeous neck and she went bonkers. Men, jewelry works, and Egyptian gift shops are the bomb.

Our second day ended, and we pulled back to our respective hotel rooms. She popped over to mine to play Wii with me for a bit, but she was zonked. Ended up crashing on my bed. I tucked her in and slipped over to her room. I could tell Cleo had been making it hers, she'd brought her own bedding, dishware, and pillows. Gotta love the woman. Tomorrow's our last day, then we fly back. To all my fans, happy trails and good night. I'm hitting the hay--excuse me, the river reeds--in a few.

Feelin' Hot-Hot-Hot

The flight into Cairo went smoothly. I spent part of the time just watching my babe Cleo snoozing next to me, and the other part snoozing myself. A transatlantic flight tends to be demanding, and those Zs don't catch themselves.

When we got to the hotel, we set down our bags and turned right around to leave. Since then, I've been making sure Cleo's treated like an Egyptian goddess. The first place we went was to the Crystal Factory, where I picked up a jewelry box for Cleo. We spent about half the day there, then half the day browsing little marketplaces for trinkets.

Really, though, I did want to get back to the hotel room. I could hardly believe when I saw it, but it was there! Waiting for us in the room! A Nintendo Wii! It was hysterical to pick out little avatars of ourselves and send them into a target-shooting field. Well, that wasn't funny. What was funny was watching about six copies of our avatars running around the screen like crazy, trying to avoid being abducted by aliens while screaming like chipmunks.

Angel thinks I'm a nerd, but hey, a guy's gotta have his hobbies, am I right? Well, I have to turn in. Tomorrow we're visiting the pyramids, and we'll be riding camels. Wish us luck!

I will be chill...

I am calm. I am calm. I am calm.

I am calmER.

Man, whoever had the nerve to send a poser into my flat as some repair or maintinence person to install a recording system.... you're just bogus. I mean... and-and-and hacking into my accounts to post what I said? What is the point? So I took a trip down memory lane, so what? It's not like other people don't do it! But because someone took my blogs on a joyride, I can't show my face! Yeah, you heard me! I'm not going on my shows anymore. Whoever did this was probably some deranged fan or something, and now they're not gonna get to see Kip Deshler doing his thing anymore. Hah! See how you like that! Cause when I find out who you are, you are so... so...

I am calm. I am calm. I am calm.

CalmER.

This thing messed me up, man. Saige came to help me balance out, but this balancing stuff is hard. It's easier to just go off the deep end. No can do, I guess. So no, I'm not really boycotting my own show--though I really don't want to be on it now. It's being passed all around the net as major "lulz". I should know, I've been on my computer ever since the incident happened, trying to find the guy who did this to me. Be assured, I'm gonna get him.

Oh man, just listen to me. I gotta plan a getaway with my Angel soon.

Nostalgic Musings

*Beginning transcription of recording KD072209-1*

I don't see why I have to go through this stuff, it's all just junk. It should all go in the trash. *something rattles and clanks* Box of junk. Nothing but... hey... *more rattling* hey-hey, my first yo-yo! Man, I wore the string out so many times, I learned all kinds of tricks with it. No way! And... naw... duuuuuude, my Spiderman comic books! Heh, no mints here, but definitely well-read. Aw crud, pages are missing. Well, still, these go on the shelves. Place of honor.

Okay, so it's not junk, what's... NAW! Oh man, I gotta do something about this. Rico, I'll call my man Rico.

Hey, Rico? It's Kip. Yeah, look, I found an old cassette tape, got anything in your tech gear that can take tracks from a tape and stick 'em on a Nano? Yeah, found this old tape, and I really want to listen to it. Thanks Rico, I owe you one.

Hah! Oh man, I listened to this when I was a kid! Boom Boom Ain't It Great to be Crazy, Skip Along Tippy Toes... my favorite! Little Bunny Foo Foo! Hah, just wait till I get this on my Nano. Man, this'll bring back so many memories... *rhythmic snapping* Little bunny Foo-Foo hopping through the forest. Scooping up the field mice and kissing them on the head. *kissing sound*

*Ending transcription of recording KD072209-1*

Generalities

Hello, hello, to one and all. Kicking back for a few days with my girl Cleo before the next vacay, and this time I'll be sure to take my Angel with me. But for now, we're just hangin' out.

Ari's party was great for Cleo. I mean, the expert in clothes didn't need any more, her wardrobe is stuffed. But she found plenty of shades and hats and shoes from the scavenger hunt, and she's lookin' gooooooood.

Managed to hook Saige up with a sweet travel arrangment. She was so jazzed about my service, she threw some Qui my way in the form of this rad painting. It's like a drop of water decided to go surfing on the sunset! Or on a bonfire! Anyway, it's hanging on my wall, spreading more Zin. I need all I can get, so says Saige. I think she could use a little more excitement, but that's just me.

And last but not least, I admit it, I've been calling the papparazzi on Meadow. Dudes, she can't take a joke? It's funny! Seriously, who expected the woman to be so uptight? Even Cleo thought it was a laugh. Deshler out.

Welcome Me Back

Welcome me back from the Isle, babes! Or should I say, my Angel. Cleo and I toasted my return with hand blown martini glasses filled with Chateau St. Michelle Eroica Riesling 2007. In layman's terms, we had some great wine, compliments of Fredrica. Sadly, while I was gone, nobody guessed the translation to the phrase I left in my blogs. Too bad, it'll remain a mystery. To be honest, I only heard it, and I have no idea what it means myself. I was hoping you, my brilliant fans, would know. I mean, the people who watch my show are high caliber, am I right? Right.

The hills were green, the pubs were loud, the food was excellent, and the midges were breeding. Yes. I said "midges". They're something like a cross between a gnat and a mosquito, and they move in swarms. Crazy little buggers, apparently they have their heyday smack in the middle of summer--right when I went. Bad move, bros, trust me on this. Do not go in the dead of summer. I was picking them off me for hours.

Brought back these amazing little biscuits though. They're more like cookies, and they're called flakemeal biscuits. They really complemented the wine. By the way, good call Fredrica! You are the Vintage Queen.

And lastly, kicking back and waiting for tomorrow, when the party of all parties will go down--supposedly--at Ari's mansion. Trying to figure out what he wants that he doesn't have already. Any thoughts?

Call Me O'Deshler

Flying high over the States my friends, on my way to Ireland, with a stopover in New York. I've decided to turn my peepers away the gosh-awful inflight movie and update you, my fans and friends, on the happenings in Deshler's life. Or should I say, O'Deshler. Not a drop of Irish blood in me, but I've always wanted to see the place. I hear it's so... green. And chicks with accents knock me off my feet. I wanna give a good impression, so I'm bringing my tube of bronzer. I mean, when you go on vacations, you expect to get sun, right? Granted, it's the middle of summer, but from what I hear, it's still mostly cloud cover on the Isle. They'll wonder how I got the tan, man, and I'll just play it cool, keep it chill. My secrets are my secrets, am I right?

I figured I'd get the munchies over the Atlantic, and those tiny peanut packets just don't cut it for me. So, I took the liberty of lifting a bag of Frederica's tasty little crackers. She won't miss 'em, I'm sure. Awfully addicting little things. Much better than the packet of nuts. Gotta wonder, are they the crew's little way of digging at us? Calling us nuts? But hey, some of us are nuts, so maybe they aren't so far off. Personally, though, I prefer the Irish way of saying it. "He's crackers." Hey, can any of you translate this sentence? I'll tell you if you're right. And give you a packet of peanuts.

Brilliant, I'll just pop out with my brolly and buy a bag of buns, I hear they're fresh off the lorry.

The Daily Dash

Booyeah! This is Deshler's Daily Dash to update you with the latest on the greatest travelicious show in town. True, this isn't the show, but this is the show's blog by the show's star, so it's just as good. And since I'm writing the blog myself, I get to leak some info on where the next location is. If I want to, anyway. Maybe if you beg. Who am I kidding? I don't know where I'll be from day to day, so why should you? Just tune in and find out. Rico's totally gonna hook me up with a new camera, so I'll post all the pics on my site. It's the raddest little thing, and he swears by it.

Meanwhile, I'm taking advice from the Saige-woman and adding a little Zin or Zan or whatever it is to my room. My pad's a mess, but she insisted this would sweeten my Angel's mood right up since we can both sit in it. I can be practical--sometimes. And if Saige says the Del Mar corner seat is romantic, then I'm buying the Del Mar corner seat for Cleo. Well, for both of us. Maybe the seat has extra Zun or something, and it'll spread to the rest of the room.

I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO USE SUN-IN LIKE I USUALLY DO!

Dudes and dudettes!

Kip Deshler coming to you live right here on BLOG SPOT!!! Taking a break from my show “Rockin’ Vacations” (on the Travel Channel Tuesday Nights 8pm Standard right after “Hotel Shmotel” don’t miss it!) to chill with you as Viva Swag’s Celebrity Travel Spokesperson and tell you one more reason why…

Travel gets me PUMPED UP!

Right on! So last month I took a little vay-cay to HAWAII with my new babe CLEOPATRA HOLMES. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up dude! It’s so not my problem if MEADOW STEVENS can’t get over me. And I so did not mooch off her and get her to pay for all our vay-cays. And like, so what if she did, she’s loaded, ‘kay? Quit downin’ the vibe, man. So anyways, once Angel and me got to Hawaii I booked some stuff to do on BUY BIG ISLAND TOURS. The best was the daytrip to the volcano, man. Like it didn’t explode or anything, but I got a killer tan and I didn’t even have to use SUN-IN in my hair like I usually do! Right on! And that’s one more reason why…

Travel gets me PUMPED UP!